Only
by Dess-Chan
Summary: AU. Future world of Xena, Gabrielle and Hercules.


Disclaimer: I don't own Xena or any of the characters. Nor any of the music referred to in this fanfic. –sadface-

AN: AU. Modern Day.

New time period. New names:

Ryder: Xena Tangia: Gabrielle Avidan: Hercules

-Only-

I stopped in my tracks. He was back. I didn't think I'd see him again. I looked for him for a little while. But it didn't matter anymore. I was with someone I loved and he was gone from my mind. But that logic didn't work for my heart. They were done and yet I foolishly gave up someone who really loved me to go back to him.

"Ryder!" he called out. The one who almost ruined something amazing.

"Avidan…" I froze in my steps and turned to see his sweet face smiling at my. Tangia turned too. And Avidan instantly noticed our locked fingers. I squeezed Tangia's hand; I couldn't believe he was back. After all he'd done before, and he was back. We both thought he'd left town for good, but here he was again.

Tangia tried to pull me away, she knew my past with him and she had her own with him. And both of us wanted to move on with their lives and not deal with his drama anymore. But I was frozen, my heart shattering, longing for this man. His strong and lean frame soon covered the distance between them and he pulled me into a hug, breaking the link between me and Tangia.

He glared quickly at her and returned to his passionate embrace with me. I melted into his arms all too willingly. Missing his touch and scent. He was like a god to me, and then he was gone.

"We should catch up. What works best for you?" he asked.

I pulled away. I half wanted to give a day where I knew Tangia wouldn't be there and half didn't. It hadn't worked out before with Avidan but maybe I could make it work. My thoughts were muddled and confusing and I hated it.

"How about Wednesday?" I knew Tangia could make it that day and I decided I didn't want to be alone with him.

He nodded.

"Okay sounds good. I'll see you then at The Bitter-Sweet Society. Eight good?" but he was gone before he saw her reply.

"He's just a friend." I said. Partially to Tangia, most to myself. Just a friend… a friend who used to be VERY intimate.

I didn't want to think of it, but I did. Remembering all the steamy nights with him. I shook my head trying to shake the memories away. It all didn't matter now. I had Tangia now. Scooping her hand back into my own I held tightly and smiled to my current lover. I wasn't going to give her up. Not since I was so happy. Not even for Avidan.

But these thoughts didn't stay in my head. As I lay in bed that night next to Tangia I couldn't help but let my mind wander to him. When we first met he was so sweet. We were both at a bar, I knew a few people there but not many and I was ready to go. Just as I grabbed my coat and was about to leave he reached out and found my hand.

"Hey. Not leaving already are we?" He smiled brightly, rubbing my hand softly.

My first thought was 'who on earth is this?' but soon didn't care. It was like he knew everything about me. Like he was my soul mate.

Soul mates. We stayed up late nights talking about it, what it meant, if we had souls. Endless nights of confusion and questions. Some answered, but only opened into more questions.

He'd break down and cry to me sometimes. Maybe that was what attracted me. I was always told how I was the "man" of a relationship, the dominate one. And he was easy to dominate. This confused child almost. Not knowing if pink was okay to wear. His father did that to him. His half-brother teased him, his half-sister encouraged it, but it only muddled his brain more.

But I just wanted to be swept off my feet. Like any other girl. I was just a woman, no god, no superman. I was me and I though he knew that.

I tossed in my sleep all that night, it probably kept Tangia awake as well but I was too restless to even consider sleep.

I ended up going out. I left a quick note saying I was going for a walk and I'd have my phone. I didn't want to worry her. Slipping on my trainers and a sweater I jogged outside. Slipping the headphones on I turn the music up, letting my mind focus on the lyrics and the music. I'd only been walking for a few minutes when it began to snow. Just light fluffy flakes but soon it blanketed the ground and I wished I'd grabbed a coat.

"Nothing left to chance, all is working.

Trying to relax, up in the capsule

"Send me up a drink." jokes Major Tom.

The count goes on

4, 3, 2, 1

Earth below us,

Drifting, falling, floating weightless

Calling, calling home"

I couldn't help but sing along. Dancing in the show twirling about in the midnight air.

Four, three, two, one. I bumped into someone and opened my eyes intent to apologize. I caught my breath in my throat. Avidan…

"Hey there." His sweet voice almost cooed. He steadied me with his hands and I caught my balance and my voice back.

"Hey." I choked out.

"Wanna go get that drink now?" I should have said no, should have at least called Tangia and let her know to come out as well. But maybe it was the fact he already had my hand and was leading me further from home, maybe it was exactly what I wanted, but I let him lead me into the club.

The loud music along with the heat hit us instantly. I saw a few people I knew and it took me back to the day I met him. A different club at the time but the setting was too familiar. He got us both a drink and we went to sit on the red plush couches along the back wall. It was slightly more lit here and I watched the couples and groups of girls dance to the music. It was just like the night I met Tangia as well.

Was there anywhere I could go in this town without feeling like I was repeating myself?

Avidan must have been talking during my reverie and placed a hand on my knee.

"I missed you." I blurted out. Instantly I wanted to take it back and lowered my head wishing I was back home in bed with my love.

"Hey," he placed a finger under my chin and raised my head to look at him, "I missed you too. I am so sorry for what happened; ya know Irving left me after all of it. But you didn't give up. I know you were looking for me. But it's okay now." He leaned in to kiss me and thankfully I dodged it.

"I'm with Tangia now…" I leaned further back, removing myself from him.

He sighed. "I saw today, I was hoping it was just a thing. Do you know how it ended between us? Why the engagement was broken?"

I knew about their past, I knew it all but I didn't care. I was happy with her, she was there for me. Her whole family was. They became like my own. And I explained this too him.

"Oh. Well, see I was hoping since I'm back we can pick up where we left off…" he smiled at me, one of those boyish smiles that always made me melt.

Fuck. I wanted to. We ended badly and I wanted to fix that. But Tangia. But I let my past take over. And I threw my heart out the window.

I came in a few hours later, my hair a mess, my lips swollen and pink. I snuck in kicking my shoes off and sliding into bed my heart pounding. Tangia noticed my presence in her sleep and snuggled into me and I calmed down.

How could I live with myself? How could I live with Tangia and not say something? How dare he come back into my life like this?

It was only a few hours of restless sleep before the sun was up and the warm scent of tea wafted into the room. I looked at the clock and was about to fall back asleep when I realized the time.

I leapt out of bed and rushed into the kitchen to see her sitting there enjoying her tea and reading the paper.

"Going somewhere?" she smirked at me, that twinkle in her eye and I relaxed.

"Yeah, I slept in." I said sheepishly scratching my head.

"I figured you needed a day off, so I called in and said you were too sick to come into work. I was thinking we could drive up to the mountains and spend the weekend at the cabin."

I broke into a wide smile and skipped over to her crushing her in a hug and kissing her long and hard.

She was startled at first but melted into it. I love her. No one else. Least of all that other one…

I kissed harder trying to push him out of my mind. But it was too late, the seed had been sown.

Luckily we spent the weekend in the mountains without a hitch. Snuggling by the fire place. Hiking in the mornings, eating lunch by the lake. Enjoying each other. I should have known I'd bugger it all up somehow.

The week after we returned everything was good again, I didn't seen Avidan once and work was going well. I spent every other waking hour with Tangia. Cooking together at night, enjoying candle lit dinners, cuddling on the couch and watching movies afterwards. It was a good time.

That weekend we got together with a majority of her family and some other friends to head over to the club. Earlier that day Avidan texted me saying we should meet up again, I never replied. I also never expected him to be there waiting for me. Maybe not waiting, but he seemed to know I was going to be there.

I got my drink and said hi to everyone I knew. I sat down in the back watching the love of my life dance with her sisters and smiled. Nothing could have been better. I felt his presence before he sat down.

"Well hello there beautiful." I froze and my drink caught in my throat. I was so done with him being around me and he kept coming back. I swallowed and turned to him, noticing Tangia give me an awkward glance.

"Hey Avidan. What brings you here tonight?" He leaned in and brushed a strand of hair off my face.

"Why you of course." His lips brushed my cheek and traveled to my ear. I launched back.

"And what do you think you are doing?" I was furious; did he really think a lapse in my judgment on one night would change everything?

"I figured I'd give it a shot. You didn't mind last week." He smirked.

I glared at him. And I hated myself. I was so weak. But it was only him. Only him.

The club seemed to fade away and it was only him.

I shook my head desperately trying to make him vanish. Why here? Why now? Why couldn't he stay away? Why couldn't I?

"I'm sorry it couldn't work out." I felt like I was a million miles away but I was able to speak at least.

"I am too." He leaned closer again, trying to temp me further, drag me into his beautiful sin.

I shook my head and smiled sadly at him, got up and walked away.

For the best. For the best. I kept trying to make myself believe it, but I couldn't. My heart wouldn't let me. My body couldn't forget. I made it to Tangia told her I had to leave, told it she could and should stay with everyone and I'd see her at home. Kissing her softly, I made it outside to the cool night air.

I breathed deeply. Gotta forget. For the best. My mantra.

It didn't work.

Avidan caught up with me. Maybe I wanted him to. Maybe I was just too mentally fucked up to really notice.

And it was the beginning of something new. Something great and something terrible.

I started going out once a week to see him. Then twice. Then four times. Before I knew it, I was spending more time at his place than mine with Tangia.

Then she changed the locks. Had called him while I was at work to get all of my stuff and I was kicked out.

She left me a note, said "I'll always love you." And I cried. Avidan held me while I cried myself to sleep that night.

By morning I was okay. I was ready to start again with Avidan. And it was wonderful.

But wonder only lasts so long.

I began to lose sleep. At first it was okay, he was confused and I loved him, wanted to help him. Then I was falling asleep at work, during my lunch I'd pass out for an hour. My concentration was shot, my friends were worried and I just pushed them away. Then I stopped eating. Too tired to. And of course I got sick.

He was still great. Took care of me. And then I started to realize how much I missed her touch, her laugh, her love. She wanted me happy and that made her happy. Avidan wanted to be happy and was killing me to do it.

Despite my lack of interest at work I was chosen to travel over the holidays to meet with our partners and present at the conference. I was going to be gone two weeks tops.

And he had the nerve, the gal to ask if he could sleep around while I was gone.

I literally laughed when he said that and told him if he was going to be with another woman we were broken up.

He didn't get it. To him sex was just sex and it was because he was going to miss me so much.

Fucking idiot.

Don't even want to know what I called him.

He relented. Said he was acting crazy and he wouldn't dare. I went on my trip and came home to him in bed with another woman.

Got my things and left. Not before dumping a bucket of water on him and his lover.

I was alone. It was only me now.

A few weeks later I ran into Tangia. She looked good. Better than good and all I could think about was how stupid I could be.

We got coffee. Talked about how we'd been since our break up. She was having troubles with her boyfriend too. Was probably going to dump him.

She broke down first on how much she missed me and we decided to try again.

It was beyond perfect.

Nothing could get in the way of us. I asked her sister when would be the best day to propose and we decided on New Years. A new year, a new beginning.

She popped the question two days later at a family dinner. Luckily I was carrying around the ring I wanted to give to her as well.

I'd never been happier in my life.

We got married on New Years and I knew I needed no one else but her.

And then, I got transferred. There was nothing I could do about it. I was promoted and sent to the head quarters in New York. She couldn't follow. Not yet.

Was stilled tied down to her job. We'd only have to wait a few months and everything would be okay.

We had it all planned when I could go back to visit her. The week of my birthday. Going to be just us, possibly back up in the mountains. Maybe a night with some of our friends, but we were going to be together again.

I got the call on Easter.

"I just don't think this is going to work anymore."

I couldn't even cry.

Was too sudden, too out of nowhere. We were happy right?

All I could say was "I'm sorry."

And that was that.

I still miss her. Hell I even miss Avidan. Went on a few dates. Nothing really worked, even though they thought it did.

I'm trying to move on now. But no one can make me feel like she did. I guess for now I am only. And I am okay with that. Only me to make myself happy. Only my cups in the cupboard. Only my toothbrush by the sink. Only me.

AN: Drama, drama, drama! Please review kindly as this is semi-truth :p

Happy reading!

Dess


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